You will not have the influence to lead people you are scared of or you don’t like. You may be able to bully them into doing what you want but you will never have a high performing team without relational influence. Without relational influence you will have a team that only does the bare minimum.
A few years ago I was in a situation where I was leading a team that included someone with a title that was higher than mine. I had experienced some setbacks with this leader in the past. We didn’t always see eye to eye on how things should be done. Now I was in the position of leading a team he was on. While I was preparing for our first meeting I kept going round and round. I was frustrated and was having a hard time putting things together. Every time I had a course of action and started to put together the details, I could hear this persons voice in my head. I would get scared and then mad that I they might not agree with what I was wanting to do so I would start over. After several hours, a lot of good ideas and a mountain of frustration later I realized I was never going to be the leader of this team that I wanted to be if I was scared. I needed to decide if I was the right person for this job or not. If I couldn’t get over the fear, I was not going to be the right person, because I would be insecure the whole time. This team needed and deserved a confident secure leader.
Most of my life I had been taught that the opposite of fear was courage and courageous people just did things scared. The crazy thing is the opposite of fear is love not courage. Throughout my life I tried being courageous and doing things scared. However, the more I was focused on being courageous the more I focused on all the “what if’s” I needed to overcome and those things continued to grow into self fulfilled prophecies. Once I started to focus on what I loved, like the reason why we were doing the project in the first place, my fear started to diminish. The more I focused on my desire to help my team succeed and serve the people the project was intended to serve the more confident I became. The confidence that got me the leadership position in the first place was back. I could think clearly and my best leadership skills came to the surface. Not because of courage but because of love.
Once I was able to get over myself and look at the team and who we were serving I was able to see this leader as a great collaborator instead of a competitor. I was able to see the strength that he brought to the table and I wasn’t intimidated by it. I knew I was going to be able to find the right place for him to contribute the strength of who he was and not loose anyone else in the process. This is why I was chosen to lead this team but I couldn’t do it while I was scared.
Fear puts a barrier between us and the people we are trying to lead. It keeps us from bringing the best of who we are to the table and it keeps us from allowing others to contribute the best of who they are. Dislike works the same way. If we do not like the people we are leading we will distance ourselves from them. We may give them orders and drive them but we will never lead and coach them into the high performing team they could be.
Whether it is a team you are leading or customers you are serving if you are scared of them or dislike them you are limiting yourself and your effectiveness. It may be time to do a gut check and see if there are any barriers between you and those you want to lead.
